Wordsole

I read an article on The Huffington Post today, and I just had to tear it apart a little. Fine, a lot. Because it is officially the stupidest thing I’ve read so far this year, and I think it’s going to hold the title for at least a few weeks. I posted the entire article here with my comments in italics.

(I considered for a moment that this article is satire, but it wouldn’t make it less shit-astic. If it’s serious, than Lisa Earle McLeod is a moron. If it’s tongue-in-cheek, she’s a terrible writer and a worse humorist.)

Why Do Women Begrudge Men a Nap?
Lisa Earle McLeod
Originally posted at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-earle-mcleod/why-do-women-begrudge-men_b_155252.html

Before I start a close-read of this article, I think that I can answer the question pretty easily. Here it is: Women begrudge men naps, because women are castrating, man-hating, estrogen-dopified neatfreaks who think that men don’t deserve naps because men’s bits dangle. Phew! That was easy. Let’s look a little more closely, shall we?

Why do women begrudge men a nap?

If you want to infuriate your wife, try taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon just as she’s revving up the to-do list. Forget sex, communication, in-laws and the toilet seat wars. If you really want to stir up a hornet’s nest inside a marriage, just bring up the subject of naps.

I love that the author has put sex and “the toilet seat wars” on the same list. But I digress.

Men love them and women despise them.

Women hate naps? I’m not even halfway through this article, and the author has demonstrated why it’s important not to write while smoking dope.

Actually, let me rephrase, men love to take them and women despise them for enjoying it.

Crap! That’s what I get for not reading ahead. Women don’t hate naps. They hate men. Got it.

“But why?” says the man. “Haven’t I earned it? Don’t I deserve it? Isn’t your home supposed to be where you relax?”

No, you have not, nameless every man. Your home is where you live with a woman who hates you. Got it?

Well, sort of.

Don’t back down now, lady author! Don’t let men think they can relax. It’s what we feminists were fighting for.

This is yet another case of where the opposite sexes — opposite being the operative word here — have completely different perspectives and unspoken assumptions collide on Saturday afternoon.

Terrific. Now she’s using the word opposite as though it was handed down from god. I’m not sure how, but I’m going to find a way to blame Katy Perry for this.

In most cases, men view their home as a refuge while women think it’s the place where the real work gets done.

Remember, this is an absolute truth. If you are a man, home is your castle. If you are a woman, home is your workplace. You have no control over this. When a girl child is born, she reaches for a mop; when a boy child is born, he reaches for the remote.

When a woman sees a pile of dirty dishes and laundry strewn about the floor, we don’t just see a mess, we literally feel failure. We could have spent the workday brokering world peace, but if our home isn’t running smoothly, we feel out of whack. It might not make sense, but it’s the way most of us are wired.

I get it! She’s a robot. Or something. She’s talking about wiring, so she must be. Ohh, wait no, I get it. She’s talking about SCIENCE. Which is not only infallible but something that she can speak on with authority and ease seeing as how she is not a scientist.

For men, home is a place to escape from work. When he walks in, he doesn’t see a system out of balance, disorganized supplies or poorly maintained equipment. All he sees is a long soft comfortable surface — which if you knock the pizza boxes and old newspapers off — is the perfect place to lay down.

Seriously, she is definitely qualified to talk about complex gender differences. I know this, because she screwed up the lay/lie usage.

Also, do you notice that this woman not only generalizes wildly about gender, but that she complete erases gay & bi men and women? If two dudes are shacking up, do they have to flip a coin to see who gets to nap on Saturdays? Do female couples battle it out for the scrub-brush?

Neither is right or wrong, and everyone doesn’t always fall into these stereotypes, but for most of us, hubby’s afternoon nap is more likely to generate heavy sighs and eye rolls than an offer to fluff his pillows.

I love when people write generic, sexist, boring opinion pieces as though they own the truth and then don’t have the spine to not stick a disclaimer about how stereotypes don’t always hold true. This woman is a douchenozzle. However, not all women are douchenozzles. See how easy it is to talk about one woman and not all women?

You can’t eliminate the differences between men and women; but you can try to see the world through your partner’s eyes.

Okay, now she just sounds like Hannibal Lector.

Men, imagine you’re on a deadline at work. It’s years away, but this is the most important project of your life, so you leave nothing to chance. You create detailed schedules of what must be done and you set benchmarks for your team, because you know if you slack off, even for a minute, you will fail.

Now, imagine you’ve set aside an entire day to work on this huge life-defining multi-year project — the one that will determine the success or failure of your entire organization — and just as you’re ready to get started, your co-worker, says, “I think I’ll take a nap.”

Unless you work at a pre-school, this is the worst analogy ever.

Guys, you can argue all you want about whether or not leaving the screen door broken for another week is going to derail your family. But women are hardwired to keep things running at peak efficiency and when you conk out, it feels like you just don’t care.

There’s the hardwiring again. Ms. McLeod, I am begging you. Put down your copy of “The Stepford Wives”.

Yes, you deserve a nap. But you’re more likely to be undisturbed if you tell her how long you’ll be down, and exactly which tasks you’ll be delighted to do when you wake up.

As for women: Imagine you’re walking into the spa and just as you’re about slip on a comfy robe, the manager says, “Great, you’re just in time to scrub the floor.”

And while you’re at it, your illustrated edition of “Cinderella”.

Cut your man some slack. Do what I do — just tape the to-do list to his forehead while he’s asleep.

That is wonderful advice. Cause you know what’s better than nagging your hubby about napping? Passive-aggressively nagging him while he naps.