Wordsole

I know that pop music won’t change the world. You dance to it and do the dishes to it and make out to it. And there is some really great pop out there. Justin Timberlake, Beyonce, even Britney.

I just can’t understand why Katy Perry is absolutely everywhere with her faux retro style and her “Tee hee, I’m soooo silly and cute!” Her music isn’t original or singable, and right after “I Kissed a Girl” came out, she spent half of her time talking about how much she loves penis. We get it Katy. You’re straight. Oooh, and AND she also gave the absolute worst live performance I have ever seen on an ep of “So You Think You Can Dance” this summer. Seriously, I still hear it in my nightmares.

Still not convinced? Let’s just take a sample of some of her lyrics shall we?

I Kissed a Girl

I kissed a girl and I liked it.
The taste of her cherry chapstick
I kissed a girl just to try it.
I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.

Wow, no woman ever in the history of time has kissed another woman to get her boyfriend’s attention. Except for every sorority girl from the class of 2003. Edgy, Katy. How do you stay so current?

Ur So Gay

I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway
You don’t eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

(CHORUS)
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like…

See, he’s gay. Cause he shops at H&M! And he likes Hemingway!! So, that makes him homosexual…I guess. Or wait, she’s using it as an insult, but she totally doesn’t hate the gays. She just likes using the word as an insult in an ironic way. She’s so incredibly hip that one, because no jag-offs ever use the word gay as an insult.

Hot N Cold
You change your mind, like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you PMS, like a bitch, I would know
And you always think, always speak, cryptically,
I should know, that your no good for me

[Chorus]
Cause your hot n your cold,
Your yes n your no,
Your in n your out,
Your up n ur down,
Your wrong when its right,
Its black then its white,
We fight we break up,
We kiss we make up,
[You] Your don’t really wanna stay no,
[But You] Don’t really wanna go-o

Katy Perry knows opposites! She is brilliant! Get her a spot on Sesame Street immediately. And for real, “like a bitch I would know”? What the hell is wrong with her? A six year old with a potty mouth could write her songs. They’re sexist and homophobic and stale, and they’re packaged in a pop wrap that makes them seem kitschy and fun. And Katy Perry is the opposite of fun. Maybe she can write a song about it.

I couldn’t help noticing that EW’s list was mostly white, straight and American. Make of that what you will.

25. The Postman Always Rings Twice*
My postman won’t even ring once, and he keeps leaving mail for Resident. Um, hello? My name is Beth.

Anyway, I’ve heard that the original and the remake are very sexy. I will see them both eventually.

24. 9 ½ Weeks*
Mickey Rourke’s new face scares me. I am also not a big fan of ‘playing with my food.’

23. The Age of Innocence
Winona Ryder makes my eye twitch. As does delayed gratification.

22. Mississipi Masala*
Denzel Washington is beautiful as is Sarita Choudhary, and Mira Nair directed Monsoon Wedding, which is an amazing film. And I love any excuse to spell Mississippi.

21. Basic Instinct
Dear Everyone in Hollywood,
For the love of toast points, gratuitous sex is not automatically sexy. If it was, every porno ever made would be sexy.

Thanks,
B.
p.s. Every porno ever made has not been sexy. Just to clarify.

20. Titanic
I hated DiCaprio until The Aviator. I like Kate Winslet better, but she seems too sexy for him. That naked portrait drawing scene is just strange. Like watching Dennis the Menace sketch Rita Hayworth.

19. The Notebook
Kissing in the rain that leads to sex on the kitchen table? Hot. The movie is cheesy, but Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling have terrific chemistry.

18. Swimming Pool*
It is French; therefore, it is sexy. It also hates freedom. Because it is French.

17. Mulholland Drive*
This movie is about….two women….making out…and then it’s weird…and stuff. I have no idea.

16. The Seven Year Itch*
Rule: If you have an itch for seven years, buy some Gold Bond. Easy.

15. Notorious
Yes, yes, yes this movie is sexy. Hitchcock had issues with women, but Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman are beautiful together. And they knew how to kiss even with the censors keeping an eye on things.

14. Year of Living Dangerously*
I don’t know if it’s sexy, but Peter Weir is an amazing director (Witness, Gallipoli, Dead Poet’s Society), so I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt.

13. Shakespeare in Love
Again, I hate Gwyneth, and she beat Cate Blanchett for the best actress Oscar. Therefore, this movie is dead to me. Joseph Fiennes, however, can be Shakespeare to my dark lady any day (who may have been a dude. Hot.)

12. The Fabulous Baker Boys
I needed a cold shower after I saw this movie. Perhaps I should not have watched it in a sauna. Oh whatever, my mom thinks I’m funny.

11. Once*
Irish men are sexy. The end.

10. Before Sunset*
Hi, my name is Ethan Hawke, and I cheated on Uma Thurman with the nanny, because I am a gigantic douchenozzle. Please don’t hold that against me, since I think Julie Delpy and I are terrific in this and Before Sunrise. Seriously, sorry about the douchenozzle thing.

9. A Walk on the Moon
Diane Lane and Viggo Mortensen had an affair while they were making this movie. Because they had to. Two such beautiful, talented available people are required under Hollywood law to fling it up. The only flaw in this perfect film is the fact that Lane’s character cheats on Liev Schreiber, who is my husband forever.

8. The Last of the Mohicans
‘Stay alive no matter what occurs! I will find you!!’ Heeehehe. I’m sorry, but that scene is melodrama at its finest. The movie is very sexy. Daniel Day-Lewis has never looked so good, and I wish Madeleine Stowe worked more. Eric Schweig as Uncas is so good-looking that women throw themselves off of cliffs for him. True story.

7. T tu mama tambien
This movie was an ode to sex and pleasure. Until Ana died of cancer. Then it was just sad.

6. Don’t Look Now
So apparently, Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie actually had sex while filming the now infamous love scene. I was expecting it to be gratuitous or vulgar, but it was just joyful. Considering that the film revolves around the death of their child, it feels like a relief.

5. Bull Durham
I love the scene when Susan Sarandon is cleaning up after she and Kevin Costner have spent the night together. Not many stories are willing to show the sexy and the mundane next to each other. It rings really true. . .in a Kevin Costner movie. Which is strange and awesome at the same time.

4. Body Heat*
William Hurt annoys me, and Kathleen Turner is too good for him.

3. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
The movie has a kind of forced sexiness about it that rings false. Also, the last 30 minutes reeked.

2. His Girl Friday
Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell spend the entire movie making love. With their words. No one did banter like those two. The movie crackles with energy and wit and yes, much sexiness.

1. Out of Sight
I have to admit something right here. I absolutely crush on Jennifer Lopez. She’s not a great actress. Or singer. Or restaurant owner. But she is gorgeous and bigger than life. That is not a crack about her butt. Which I envy. Ahem.

George Clooney on the other hand has won an Oscar and gets all sorts of positive press, but his Achilles’ heel remains his total lack of chemistry with his female co-stars. I have a theory that he treats his female friends (the ones he has no intention of dating, e.g. Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, etc.) like his male buddies and that somehow translates onscreen. The rumor goes that he and J.Lo didn’t get on. Well, good, because the two of them are kinetic in this movie. I don’t know that I would have put this at number one, but it’s in my top ten.

Entertainment Weekly just released their list of the 50 sexiest movies. They are missing a bunch, and they got a whole lot wrong. Below is a list of 50-26 with my thoughts, which are, of course, more important than any stupid magazine rating. I marked the ones I haven’t seen with an asterisk and commented on them anyway.

50. 300*
Gerard Butler is hot and totally jacked up in the movie, but from what I understand, it was a lesson in homophobia and extreme violence. Eh, whatevs. The men look sexy, but I could leave it.

49. Yossi and Jagger*
It’s about two dudes in Israel who are hot for each other. It’s officially on my Netflix queue.

48. How Stella Got Her Groove Back
Stella got her groove back by sleeping with Taye Diggs who is arguably one of the most beautiful men on the planet. I have tried to get my groove back in a similar way, but Providence does not provide quite the same options.

47. Kissing Jessica Stein
I love this movie. It’s funny and literate and snarky and smart. All of those qualities make it sexier than hell.

46. Like Water for Chocolate
Food is sexy. And chocolate is a barn on fire. This movie is hot.

45. The Bridges of Madison County
Yes, the movie is sexy. No, it’s not just for women. Clint Eastwood and Meryl Streep have mad chemistry and the story is both sexy and sad.

44. King Kong*
Haven’t seen it. I don’t find apes sexy.

43. Dirty Dancing
This movie should be higher on the list. Yes, it’s cheesy and unrealistic. It’s also sexy and tawdry and soap operatic. Patrick Swayze defined masculinity in the 90s with this and Ghost. And he could dance. ’nuff said.

42. Little Children
Patrick Wilson and Kate Winslet are gorgeous, but I feel uncomfortable discussing a film that sounds like a pedophile’s greatest wish.

41. The Bodyguard
And I-eee-I will always love yoouuuuu! This movie cannot be sexy because it unleashed that song on an unsuspecting public.

40. The Last Seduction
Sexy and fucked-up. Mmmm, just like I like my men.

39. The Talented Mr. Ripley
Jude Law is the most overrated, smarmy nanny-boinking actor out there. Matt Damon is my husband, but the green speedo dumped cold water over my head. Plus, the Palt is such an asshole. I’m gonna go with not sexy. Atmospheric maybe. Sexy, no.

38. Secretary*
I have not seen this yet, but it sounds like a movie I would enjoy. If you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Cause I’m trying to be obvious here, but I don’t want to be gross. Whatever, I love James Spader unapologetically. So there it is.

37. In the Mood for Love*
Apparently this film is two and half hours of hopeless longing between a man and a woman whose spouses are cheating with each other. Longing is sexy. Getting is sexier. But I’m gonna give this a tentative sexy rating and add it to that queue. (p.s. Netflix is most definitely sexy.)

36. Ghost
“Let’s play with clay and get all messy while we make a phallicly shaped objet d’art and then magically appear clay-free when we make muskrat love.” Eh, I’m not a Demi Moore fan, so this film doesn’t do it for me, but I can see why it’s considered sexy.

35. sex, lies and videotape
To this day, it’s the only film that I can stand Andie McDowell in. And again, the Spader.

34. The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Daniel Day-Lewis, Juliette Binoche and Leno Olin. The film should have caught fire. Lena Olin is my number one girl-crush. Did anyone see her on Alias. Yowza.

33. She’s Gotta Have It*
The title describes my love life at the moment, so I have to assume it’s sexy.

32. Cruel Intentions
Ryan Phillipe annoys the crap out of me, but it’s sexy in a campy, silly way. Just…don’t watch it with your mom. Really. Don’t.

31. American Gigolo*
Richard Gere always looks like he’s stepped out of a vat of olive oil.

30. Maurice
I love this movie because Maurice is gay, living in early-20th century England, AND he ends up with a gorgeous dude because he refuses to stay in the closet. Poor Hugh Grant. His repression leads him to a loveless, presumably sexless marriage.

29 Bound
I thought this was going to be some cheesy male fantasy version of lesbianism. Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly elevate it. I never thought I’d type that sentence. Seriously, it’s hot.

28 Love and Basketball
The scene where Sanaa Lathan and Omar Epps play strip basketball is sexy in a goofy, natural way. I liked it.

27 Unfaithful
I HATE this movie. Haaaaate it. But Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez have mad chemistry. Fine, it’s sexy.

26 The English Patient
I loved this movie because Kristin Scott Thomas was finally allowed to be the captivating, beautiful woman she is. However, she dumped Colin Firth for Ralph Fiennes. Who does that? I would have tried to work out a time-share program. For reals.

I have a question for Stephanie Meyer. Why would you write a book about vampires and ignore every rule about their existence? Vampires are creatures of the night. Sun burns them. It’s one of their few vulnerabilities. Without that, humans have absolutely no chance against them. In the world of Twilight, vampires can go out on cloudy days. And they avoid the sun for one reason. Because it makes them sparkle. That’s right, sparkle. Like big, dumb disco balls. The most frightening beings in the world who are super fast and live for O-negative sparkle?!?

No fangs. They have no fangs. What vampire doesn’t have fangs? Bram Stoker is cursing Meyer’s existence right not, but that’s irrelevant cause dude’s dead. And good thing too. He created the single most amazing and terrifying incarnation of the vampire that I’ve read or seen. He made them monsters. Seductive, overwhelming monsters. Meyer’s vampires are like Olympians with a strange craving. Michael Phelps who drinks blood instead of protein shakes.

And speaking of cravings, where was the sex? Vampires are creatures who want two things. To kill you and to have sex with you. Sometimes both. However, Edward is able to control his craving for Bella’s “blood” even though it smells so good to him. Also, ew. Which is, of course, a total cop-out. Edward is the bad boy who isn’t really that bad, because he has self-control. Bullshit. Total and complete bullshit. It’s also the worst line to feed to 13 year old girls. “Hey, even if he tells you that he’s a naughty boy who’s gonna get you in trouble, your love will save him and make him use that heart of gold he’s so afraid of.” Whatever. I’m of the mind that if a dude tells me he’s an asshole, I should believe him and move on. Well…eventually.

Last point, the guy who played James, the true bad-boy, was super hot in a dirty, unspeakable way. And the good vampires killed him. Thanks a lot douchebags. He was the only reason I would have seen the sequel.

Okay, here’s the thing. I had some seriously low expectations for this movie. But lowered expectations can lead to the wonderful surprise that something is a helluva lot better than you thought it would be.

Oh, Twilight. How you did disprove this little truism. Before I talk trash about everything I hated (and it really was about 90% of the movie), I have to give the screenwriter, author, director, whatevs, et. al. credit for a couple of things.

Bella has a wonderful and loving relationship with her dad, mom and step-father. Throughout the movie, Bella talks on the phone with her mom who is in Florida with her new husband and bonds sweetly and awkwardly with her dad. I’m so sick of adolescence portrayed as the time when kids treat their parents like shit. Rebellion and fighting may be common in real life, but so are kids who love their parents.

In the same vein (ha!), can I just say how refreshing it is to see a movie where the new girl isn’t hazed but befriended by a group of smart, funny kids both male and female. Even when said boys show interest in her, the girls don’t turn into catty bitches. Shocking, I know.

Moving on. What sucks? (The sucking pun will never get old, btw.) Well, the acting is either ridiculously over the top or of the “I’m sorry, but I just took an Ambien” style. Kristin Stewart appears like she’s trying to figure out her locker combination through the first half of the film despite the discovery of a real, live vampire at her school. Bella is supposed to be plain but interesting. Stewart is just boring. The worst sin the film commits (and I assume the book. I haven’t read it.) is that it forces Bella into the irresistible, unattainable female role. Four, that’s right four, guys crush on her before she even meets Edward. I realize that the new girl appeal happens in high school, but once the curiosity is satisfied, it doesn’t make sense for the boys to still chase her.

And Robert Pattinson? Hoo boy. He is a trip. Not pretty enough to forgive for such egregious sins against the art of thespianism and not interesting enough to make up for the lack of hotness. Dude is supposed to be a beautiful undead creature. I can honestly say I wouldn’t give him a second look in real life. Except to note the extraordinary filth that is his hair. I also doubt that he has ever read a book about vampires. He plays Edward with a petulant, manic air that doesn’t make sense since the character is 107 years old. He should not be a teenager in anything but appearance, but Pattinson gives Edward so little depth that it’s unclear why Bella would be drawn to him. It also doesn’t help that at least three times during the first 30 minutes, Edward appears ready to burst into tears.

Oh, and I must get this off my chest. For the last time, stalking? Is. Not. Romantic. Edward watches Bella sleep without her knowledge, follows her around, stares at her constantly while lamenting that “he’s the bad guy!”, and Bella swoons. Gross. Also gross? Bella’s helplessness. Edward is stronger and faster than she is by nature of his vampirism, but I would really like the damsel in distress crap to go the way of the corset.

I’ll post part two of my review tomorrow. I haven’t even mentioned the absence of sex or sexual tension and the crazy hot villain.

“Huh, well I guess I should have shaved my bikini line after all.”