Wordsole

Alternate cover headlines included Reckless Snatches, Impetuous Muffs and the slightly longer ode to ’90s’ movies, Wild Cooters Can’t Be Broken.

Of the many rules that women are force fed about how to get and/or keep a man, my favorite will always be:

1. Why buy the goat when you get the milk for free?
I knew you were tired of hearing “cow” so I switched it up—also, I just love goat cheese. This is the oldest and most redundant of mom-isms, but there’s a grain of truth here, and it’s in the notion that you should make sure your needs are being fulfilled as much as his are.

Hahaha. So true, amirite, ladies? Dudes are shallow, sex-obsessed dillholes with only one pursuit in life, and women are the gatekeepers of their sacred cooter grails. Hey, random author dude, how’s about going the extra mile and updating it for 2010? My suggestion:

Why follow her on Twitter when you can read her tweets for free?

See? Current and yet still blazingly sexist. Fantastic.

Oh, and author man. That aphorism is not about women getting what they need from relationships. It’s about controlling both women’s sexuality and sexual desires while casting men as single-minded assclowns. It really needs to go away. My fabulous update not withstanding.

I am happy that GB and her hunky footballer husband have found love and made a beautiful baby. I do not care what her opinion on breastfeeding is. Partly because it’s a personal decision and partly because breastfeeding isn’t on my radar.

She thinks there should be a worldwide law requiring breastfeeding for the first six months? Awesome! That’s stupid. She’s since backpedaled…sort of. In so much as she mentions opening a discussion. As though women’s choices in general and especially as mothers aren’t already scrutinized under the cultural microscope.

But here’s the thing. Even though I don’t agree with her on the issue, and even though I wish she hadn’t spoken as though her experience should be every woman’s experience, I am once again dismayed by the responses that seem to pop up whenever a famous woman dares to open her mouth.

Readers of the CNN Marquee Blog (Dear CNN, that blog is the opposite of news.) had a lot to say about Bundchen’s initial interview. I have no doubt many of the quotes were thoughtful expressions of frustration, but CNN chose to use the kind of problematic statements that shoot steam out of my ears.

“Classic ignorant statement by someone who is only known because of how she looks in her bra and panties…”

She is a model who is famous primarily for her work as a Victoria’s Secret model. She made some “ignorant” statements (though they’re not what I would call ignorant, more misguided and judgmental). Those two things? Are not related.

“It’s love that matters, not where the milk comes from. So, stop doing public appearances and magazine shoots, and raise your baby.”

Yes, it is love that matters. And love has zero to do with whether Bundchen or any woman chooses to work outside the home, provided she even has a choice.

“Do your own research but please don’t get your information from some model that just popped out a kid and now she thinks she’s an expert…”

Again with the that makes sense statement followed by the come on now, don’t be an a-hole statement. Yes, women should determine for themselves if breastfeeding is the right decision. But “just some model who popped out a kid”? How’s about we leave her profession out of it…and the phrase “popped out a kid.” Thanks.

This is a blip of a story that won’t play much longer especially now that Bundchen has apologized. But the reactions? Those stem from something deeper. Something ugly.

Oh, and as for a smart response, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I thought the Ladies of the View (tm ABC’s marketing department of cliches) had thoughtful and reasonable reactions despite their anger. Which ranks with, “Hugh Hefner is my hero,” as the statement I’m least likely to make without a major personality change.

*I haven’t read anywhere that Gisele Bundchen breastfed for three weeks. Joy Behar probably confused her with Denise van Outen who said that she breastfed for three weeks because of concerns about the paparazzi. What Behar should have said is that none of these women’s choices are our business.

I saw this today:

Stars. As open to sexist slams as everyday women. Feminist win!

The alternate text for this commercial as proposed by the advertising agency:

“Hey ladies, we know that the idea of a common business transaction can send you scurrying under your throw-pillow covered beds like the 17 cats you will someday own, but don’t be frightened. Here at {insert random car dealership}, we’ll fill the office with teddy bears and pink roses so you feel right at home. Yes, we’ll take your money, but you’ll never even realize you signed a contract until your dad balances your checkbook and notices how much you spent. Stress free for the womens. That’s our motto.”

Deep down inside, I didn’t believe that Roman Polanski was going to be extradited. Hell, it wasn’t even that deep down. This is a man who evaded justice for over 30 years. Who continues to evade justice. A man who has garnered sympathy from both Hollywood compatriots and people commenting on blogs and websites. From the privileged and the non privileged alike. He is a man who drugged and raped a 13-year old girl, a fact that has never been in question, and he is free to live a life of luxury.

It’s precisely this luxury that infuriates me at the same time that it contributes to my absence of disbelief. Money is the great sandpaper. Smoothing out the unpleasantness in life. Not erasing it mind you, but taking away the rough edges. In this case, Polanski’s rough edges included dealing with a court system that wanted to put him in jail. Where he should have been. For what is one of the worst crimes a person can commit, the violation of a child.

My frustration with the systems that allow him to live unfettered by reality shouldn’t be mistaken for nonchalance or apathy. The entire case from start to finish has made me angry and sad. And angry. Ever so angry. But I can’t work up disbelief. This kind of injustice doesn’t surprise me anymore. I wish it did.

just to clarify. This woman:

is not a feminist.

You know what word I love and by love I mean loathe with the passion of 17 Justin Bieber fans? ETA: Just to clarify, I don’t loathe 17 fans of Justin Bieber. I loathe with the passion of 17 JB fans.

Slut. Listen to it. One syllable. A hard t on the end. It’s a powerful word. It gets thrown around so easily nowadays. If a woman is dressed too provocatively for your tastes? Slut. If a girl kisses her boyfriend and then wants to do more? Slut. If a woman exists who you don’t like and you want to take her down a peg? Sluttty slut slut slutenstein.

I keep thinking about the kerfuffle over at perezhilton. The man made the egregiously bad decision to link to a picture of Miley Cyrus getting out of a car possibly sans underwear; since she is 17, he could be in very big trouble for linking to child pornography.

Ooh, and I hope he does get in trouble. For the picture obviously, which is child pornography, y’all. I don’t care that she’s almost 18. I don’t care that she’s been wearing sexier outfits on tour and faux-lesbian kissing onstage. Her body? Not public property. And at her age, when someone decides to make it public, it is child exploitation. There has got to be a line.

But he also needs to be held accountable for every upskirt picture he’s every posted or linked to. He won’t, of course. When a woman of legal age is violated in that way, we don’t call it pornography. We just call her a slut. A dumb slut at that. The difference of a few months seems to make all the difference.

What frustrates me the most about this other than the ick factor is how quickly people wanted to condemn her for stepping out of a car. “Well, she knew what she was getting into when she got famous.” “She’s been dressing all slutty lately. What does she expect?” As though her personal choices are up for debate. As though she loses bodily autonomy because she wears a mini-skirt.

See, that’s the power of the word slut and the shame that follows behind it. The real issues get clouded. The real problems get muddied. Cause if Miley’s just a slut, then really, what’s the problem right?

Dear Kristen Stewart,
I understand that being famous is not without its tribulations. And that starring in what is arguably one of the most famous film franchises in the world with THE most rabid fan base must get ya down occasionally. Your time isn’t your own. Strangers are highly invested in your love life. You show up on the cover of every magazine under headers like, “Why is Kristen so glum?” and “Robert and Kristen…real life Edward and Bella?”

But worst of all, you have to deal with the paparazzi. If Dante had a level of Hell for people who sought fame at the expense of others, he’d fill it with photographers constantly shouting at you and taking extreme close-ups. You talking about how frustrating and even frightening it can be to deal with them? Makes sense. And you did talk about it. In Elle UK. However, in the future you should think about exactly what you’re saying.

Being hounded by the paparazzi? IS NOT LIKE RAPE. It is not even close. You know what is like rape? Rape. That’s it. There is nothing else that compares. Next time you try to explain how horrible it is to be you, consider what you’re adding to the dialogue. That word gets thrown around too much as it is when it’s not appropriate. How’s about you find another analogy.

Kisses and Vampire Bites,
Beth