Otherwise, how would we know that women who dig men are most interested in their left wrists? Oh, and dancing with a lot of hand gestures and head bopping…cause it indicates fertility. Or something.
Seriously. Yay science.
Yay! Just what I always wanted. A follow-up to the article about dude speak. This time, they’re deciphering the ladies. Well, as best as we can be deciphered. Lord knows, it takes an estrogen-coated Rosetta Stone to figure us out.
If you’ve ever spoken to a woman, it’s fair to say you’ve been confused by one.
Also, bemused by one. Possibly infused with one. Maybe even chartreused by nuns. See? I can make up nonsense too.
Yes doesn’t always mean yes, no doesn’t always mean no, and most of us have once in our lives even admitted, “Well, I may have said that, but I didn’t mean it.”
You know the whole “no means no” line that has become something of a joke? It’s not a joke. No does mean no. Words mean things. Even when they are emanating from silly, flighty ladies with girl brains.
…while figuring out what women really want can be difficult, it’s not impossible.
Stay with me for a second, because I’m about to suggest something radical. You could look at the woman across from/next to/underneath/on top of you and say, “What do you want/need/feel/like?” I KNOW.
Even in this day and age, most women like to be pursued, so if we really like you, we’ll happily hand over our digits and wait for you to call.
And wait and wait and wait. While eating Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and watching a Real Housewives marathon. Waiting is super fun.
As much as we all say that The Rules is an outdated tome that brews trouble between the genders, there are still some things we can’t let go of. And one of them is that we don’t want to accept plans with you last-minute, because we don’t want you to think we’re that easy to catch.
What are we? Fireflies?!? Hahaha. No, we are not. Good luck putting us in jars and watching our butts light up. You’ll have to try harder than that.
…when a woman says something is fine, it’s decidedly not.
Unless she is talking about dishware or Hugh Jackman.
When a man brings up another female’s name in the midst of a story, a woman’s internal panic button is pressed…
This button is red. There is no un-pushing it. You are screwed.
…women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle.
When a woman says I love you what she’s really doing is signing a contract. With you, dude. This entitles her to at least 10 years of marriage, 2.5 kids, and your testicles. You have no out other than running like hell or sleeping with her best friend.
I know it’s difficult to comprehend the idea of women as individuals with their own way of communicating. Some women are honest about what they want. Some take a more circuitous route to what they mean. Wanna know who else is as varied, interesting, and sometimes difficult to read? Men. If this idea shocks you, I recommend you stop reading articles that use the phrase “girl talk” unironically.
Alternate cover headlines included Reckless Snatches, Impetuous Muffs and the slightly longer ode to ’90s’ movies, Wild Cooters Can’t Be Broken.
Another day, another article about men and the ways that they don’t say what they mean even when they kind of mean what they say. I love the title, “What he really means…”, since the ellipses leave it up to the most ridiculous interpretation. What he really means…when he picks his teeth. What he really means…when he folds his jeans. What he really means… when he votes libertarian.
“Do you understand “guy-talk?” Can you comprehend all the subtle — and not-so-subtle — nuances of his secret language?
Not without my decoder ring.
If you’re a woman, chances are the answer is: sort of, kind of, er, not really.
Translation: gay dudes are lucky.
“Men don’t always say what they mean,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
Haltzman is also Captain of the Obvious Ship and occasionally pilots the No Shit, Sherlock Schooner.
“And sometimes we say what we mean but women understand it completely differently.”
It’s almost as if he’s saying that women and men don’t always understand each other…I’m shocked.
All in all, that means that cracking the code can be difficult — but not impossible.
It helps if you know the Navajo language. Wait, that was the Germans. My bad. I’ve got to stop watching Windtalkers before reading these things.
To give you a head start, we talked to relationship experts and real guys to shed some light on some of a guy’s most common lines — and what in the world he really means by them.
Real guys? As opposed to what? Robots?
What he says: “I really like your shoes.”
What he means: “I really like you.”
What he might mean: “I’m turned on by feet.”
Ty Marciniak claims that this is one of the first things he says when he’s into a girl. “It boosts her confidence, but it also shows her I’m fashionable and sweet,” he says. “She’ll notice that I didn’t come right out and compliment her legs or something.” Which is, of course, what he really was complimenting in the first place. Get it?
Wait, so, if he compliments my shoes, he likes my legs. What if he compliments my hair? Does he like my forehead? Or is that subtle guy code for he wants me for my brain? That can’t be right, cause guys are only after one thing, right? Crap, that’s from a different article. I have got to stop reading Cosmo before doing this.
What he says: “Maybe we should take some time off from each other — you know, take a break.”
What he means: “Maybe I’m better off keeping my options open.”
What he might mean: “I didn’t realize you had a hot friend until yesterday.”
What he says: “I am listening!”
What he means: “I’m listening, but I really don’t want to get into a long, emotional discussion right now.”
What he might mean: “I have no idea what you just said, but if I shout, maybe you’ll leave me alone!”
“Men process verbal information better when it’s direct and to the point,” says Haltzman. Scott Borchert agrees. “When I say this, it usually means I just wish she’d get to the point sooner,” he says. One way around this is to ask him for his advice — guys love to fix problems — or to make sure he’s primed for a marathon talk session.
Consider training him for a 5k talk session first. And then never use the term talk session again. Or assume that all guys are the same. Or buy into sexist stereotypes. Problem solved!
Of the many rules that women are force fed about how to get and/or keep a man, my favorite will always be:
1. Why buy the goat when you get the milk for free?
I knew you were tired of hearing “cow” so I switched it up—also, I just love goat cheese. This is the oldest and most redundant of mom-isms, but there’s a grain of truth here, and it’s in the notion that you should make sure your needs are being fulfilled as much as his are.
Hahaha. So true, amirite, ladies? Dudes are shallow, sex-obsessed dillholes with only one pursuit in life, and women are the gatekeepers of their sacred cooter grails. Hey, random author dude, how’s about going the extra mile and updating it for 2010? My suggestion:
Why follow her on Twitter when you can read her tweets for free?
See? Current and yet still blazingly sexist. Fantastic.
Oh, and author man. That aphorism is not about women getting what they need from relationships. It’s about controlling both women’s sexuality and sexual desires while casting men as single-minded assclowns. It really needs to go away. My fabulous update not withstanding.
It’s the opposite of statistical reliability, but this poll still makes me sad.
42% of people think men should pay for the first date? The only question I have is: why? I have yet to hear an answer that makes sense.
I am happy that GB and her hunky footballer husband have found love and made a beautiful baby. I do not care what her opinion on breastfeeding is. Partly because it’s a personal decision and partly because breastfeeding isn’t on my radar.
She thinks there should be a worldwide law requiring breastfeeding for the first six months? Awesome! That’s stupid. She’s since backpedaled…sort of. In so much as she mentions opening a discussion. As though women’s choices in general and especially as mothers aren’t already scrutinized under the cultural microscope.
But here’s the thing. Even though I don’t agree with her on the issue, and even though I wish she hadn’t spoken as though her experience should be every woman’s experience, I am once again dismayed by the responses that seem to pop up whenever a famous woman dares to open her mouth.
Readers of the CNN Marquee Blog (Dear CNN, that blog is the opposite of news.) had a lot to say about Bundchen’s initial interview. I have no doubt many of the quotes were thoughtful expressions of frustration, but CNN chose to use the kind of problematic statements that shoot steam out of my ears.
“Classic ignorant statement by someone who is only known because of how she looks in her bra and panties…”
She is a model who is famous primarily for her work as a Victoria’s Secret model. She made some “ignorant” statements (though they’re not what I would call ignorant, more misguided and judgmental). Those two things? Are not related.
“It’s love that matters, not where the milk comes from. So, stop doing public appearances and magazine shoots, and raise your baby.”
Yes, it is love that matters. And love has zero to do with whether Bundchen or any woman chooses to work outside the home, provided she even has a choice.
“Do your own research but please don’t get your information from some model that just popped out a kid and now she thinks she’s an expert…”
Again with the that makes sense statement followed by the come on now, don’t be an a-hole statement. Yes, women should determine for themselves if breastfeeding is the right decision. But “just some model who popped out a kid”? How’s about we leave her profession out of it…and the phrase “popped out a kid.” Thanks.
This is a blip of a story that won’t play much longer especially now that Bundchen has apologized. But the reactions? Those stem from something deeper. Something ugly.
Oh, and as for a smart response, I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I thought the Ladies of the View (tm ABC’s marketing department of cliches) had thoughtful and reasonable reactions despite their anger. Which ranks with, “Hugh Hefner is my hero,” as the statement I’m least likely to make without a major personality change.
*I haven’t read anywhere that Gisele Bundchen breastfed for three weeks. Joy Behar probably confused her with Denise van Outen who said that she breastfed for three weeks because of concerns about the paparazzi. What Behar should have said is that none of these women’s choices are our business.
I saw this today:
Stars. As open to sexist slams as everyday women. Feminist win!
Know what I love? Chocolate pudding. Know what’s weird? When the woman who works in the cafe encourages you to buy it because “you can afford it.” Not monetarily. Calorically. Apparently, my waist is small enough that I’m allowed to have dessert.
Repeat after me: chocolate pudding is for everyone. Unless you don’t like chocolate. Or pudding. Which would make you an anomaly. So…congrats on that.
Oh, Very Demotivational. When you get it right, you get it oh so right.
I’ve written a few times about my contempt for PETA and their contempt for women. It stands to reason that an organization whose entire raison d’être is the elevation of animals in society would avoid the commoditization of women. Instead, they revel in campaigns that use women as sexual objects to gain attention and notoriety. While doing very little to change people’s minds. I’ve yet to meet a man who put down the burger because Pamela Anderson told him it was wrong. Topless ladies or not, the message of vegetarianism and environmentalism will never be palatable to everyone. That won’t stop PETA from channeling lad mags every time they create a poster. It’s too bad. Women and all the other animals of the world deserve better.
