Otherwise, how would we know that women who dig men are most interested in their left wrists? Oh, and dancing with a lot of hand gestures and head bopping…cause it indicates fertility. Or something.
Seriously. Yay science.
Yay! Just what I always wanted. A follow-up to the article about dude speak. This time, they’re deciphering the ladies. Well, as best as we can be deciphered. Lord knows, it takes an estrogen-coated Rosetta Stone to figure us out.
If you’ve ever spoken to a woman, it’s fair to say you’ve been confused by one.
Also, bemused by one. Possibly infused with one. Maybe even chartreused by nuns. See? I can make up nonsense too.
Yes doesn’t always mean yes, no doesn’t always mean no, and most of us have once in our lives even admitted, “Well, I may have said that, but I didn’t mean it.”
You know the whole “no means no” line that has become something of a joke? It’s not a joke. No does mean no. Words mean things. Even when they are emanating from silly, flighty ladies with girl brains.
…while figuring out what women really want can be difficult, it’s not impossible.
Stay with me for a second, because I’m about to suggest something radical. You could look at the woman across from/next to/underneath/on top of you and say, “What do you want/need/feel/like?” I KNOW.
Even in this day and age, most women like to be pursued, so if we really like you, we’ll happily hand over our digits and wait for you to call.
And wait and wait and wait. While eating Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey and watching a Real Housewives marathon. Waiting is super fun.
As much as we all say that The Rules is an outdated tome that brews trouble between the genders, there are still some things we can’t let go of. And one of them is that we don’t want to accept plans with you last-minute, because we don’t want you to think we’re that easy to catch.
What are we? Fireflies?!? Hahaha. No, we are not. Good luck putting us in jars and watching our butts light up. You’ll have to try harder than that.
…when a woman says something is fine, it’s decidedly not.
Unless she is talking about dishware or Hugh Jackman.
When a man brings up another female’s name in the midst of a story, a woman’s internal panic button is pressed…
This button is red. There is no un-pushing it. You are screwed.
…women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle.
When a woman says I love you what she’s really doing is signing a contract. With you, dude. This entitles her to at least 10 years of marriage, 2.5 kids, and your testicles. You have no out other than running like hell or sleeping with her best friend.
I know it’s difficult to comprehend the idea of women as individuals with their own way of communicating. Some women are honest about what they want. Some take a more circuitous route to what they mean. Wanna know who else is as varied, interesting, and sometimes difficult to read? Men. If this idea shocks you, I recommend you stop reading articles that use the phrase “girl talk” unironically.
Another day, another article about men and the ways that they don’t say what they mean even when they kind of mean what they say. I love the title, “What he really means…”, since the ellipses leave it up to the most ridiculous interpretation. What he really means…when he picks his teeth. What he really means…when he folds his jeans. What he really means… when he votes libertarian.
“Do you understand “guy-talk?” Can you comprehend all the subtle — and not-so-subtle — nuances of his secret language?
Not without my decoder ring.
If you’re a woman, chances are the answer is: sort of, kind of, er, not really.
Translation: gay dudes are lucky.
“Men don’t always say what they mean,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.
Haltzman is also Captain of the Obvious Ship and occasionally pilots the No Shit, Sherlock Schooner.
“And sometimes we say what we mean but women understand it completely differently.”
It’s almost as if he’s saying that women and men don’t always understand each other…I’m shocked.
All in all, that means that cracking the code can be difficult — but not impossible.
It helps if you know the Navajo language. Wait, that was the Germans. My bad. I’ve got to stop watching Windtalkers before reading these things.
To give you a head start, we talked to relationship experts and real guys to shed some light on some of a guy’s most common lines — and what in the world he really means by them.
Real guys? As opposed to what? Robots?
What he says: “I really like your shoes.”
What he means: “I really like you.”
What he might mean: “I’m turned on by feet.”
Ty Marciniak claims that this is one of the first things he says when he’s into a girl. “It boosts her confidence, but it also shows her I’m fashionable and sweet,” he says. “She’ll notice that I didn’t come right out and compliment her legs or something.” Which is, of course, what he really was complimenting in the first place. Get it?
Wait, so, if he compliments my shoes, he likes my legs. What if he compliments my hair? Does he like my forehead? Or is that subtle guy code for he wants me for my brain? That can’t be right, cause guys are only after one thing, right? Crap, that’s from a different article. I have got to stop reading Cosmo before doing this.
What he says: “Maybe we should take some time off from each other — you know, take a break.”
What he means: “Maybe I’m better off keeping my options open.”
What he might mean: “I didn’t realize you had a hot friend until yesterday.”
What he says: “I am listening!”
What he means: “I’m listening, but I really don’t want to get into a long, emotional discussion right now.”
What he might mean: “I have no idea what you just said, but if I shout, maybe you’ll leave me alone!”
“Men process verbal information better when it’s direct and to the point,” says Haltzman. Scott Borchert agrees. “When I say this, it usually means I just wish she’d get to the point sooner,” he says. One way around this is to ask him for his advice — guys love to fix problems — or to make sure he’s primed for a marathon talk session.
Consider training him for a 5k talk session first. And then never use the term talk session again. Or assume that all guys are the same. Or buy into sexist stereotypes. Problem solved!
I’m a fan of cake. It tastes good (sometimes) and it’s often super cool looking (hi, Ace of Cakes). Wedding cakes are no exception.
This one:
is awesome. There’s blood! On a wedding cake! That takes guts. Bwah!
This one, however:
is just sad. Why not put a Barbie on top of the cake holding two tennis balls? It’d be more subtle.
It’s the opposite of statistical reliability, but this poll still makes me sad.
42% of people think men should pay for the first date? The only question I have is: why? I have yet to hear an answer that makes sense.
The gross story of the day is handily won by The New York Daily News and a drunken, belligerent couple.
She stabbed him IN THE BRAIN with her heel. Through the eye. The man lived; though, I doubt he’ll be able to pass through the shoe department at Marks & Spencer without crying. The story is blerfargbarf enough, but it’s also kind of funny in the omigod, you have got to be kidding kind of way.
Hargreaves initially told police that she did not remember the attack. She later said it was possible that she unintentionally kicked her boyfriend.
Yes, she unintentionally kicked her boyfriend IN THE BRAIN. Seriously, it makes me yell.
I happened upon an article sponsored by Match.com titled 7 magical conversational phrases. I was intrigued.
Sadly, Match.com considers phrases like “I never thought of it that way” and “How did it go?” magical. Phooey. Below, I give you a list of 7 magical statements that don’t mock that word.
1. “Harry Potter is a fucking poser.” Be careful with this one. Harry Potter fans are intense. If you follow it up with an invitation to your next spellcasting, you might catch someone who believes in, you know, magic.
2. “Do you keep your spells in the freezer or the cupboard?” Real magic is not as simple as flinging a wand around and hoping for the best. Duh.
3. “Does the idea of a Magic the Gathering reality show intrigue you?” This is a good one for catching nerd chicks and dudes. Who are not afraid of sorcery.
4. “Did you know my ancestors were burned at the stake? Cause you get me just as hot.” Okay, okay, it’s cheesy, but maybe your date is a history buff. Or enjoys a good play on words.
5. “Sandra Bullock should have won the Oscar for Practical Magic.” Yes, the movie was silly and slightly witch-phobic, but she’s America’s sweetheart divorcée AND she got to create a last-minute coven from previously skeptical townspeople. Magic, people.
6. “My doctor tried to prescribe Lipitor. Psh. I take Wolf’s Bane.” Werewolves are hot right now thanks to the movie that shall not be named. And this one has the added benefit of tapping into the politics of healthcare reform. You might just end up with a political witch. Funny, I’ve been called that a time or two.
7. “I built a henge in my backyard.” You never have to tell your potential date that the henge is made from Legos.
See? It’s easy to infuse your conversations with magical thinking. The occasional mention of Gandalf wouldn’t hurt.
Hey there 2010. Do you have a minute? Apparently, some people aren’t aware that you exist. They’re trapped in 1950. And while the clothes were adorable, I could do without the attitudes toward women, minorities, gays, and people who don’t tow whatever arbitrary line was drawn by society.
I digress. You see, a young woman in Mississippi decided that even though she is gay and in a relationship with another female student, the two should be allowed to go to the prom. Crazy, I know. A gay student thinking that she should have the same rights as a straight student. Doesn’t she know where she lives? Doesn’t she know what year it is?
Wait a minute, 2010. I think maybe the school has forgotten where she lives and what year it is. Because in this day and age, and in what is supposed to be one of the greatest democracies in the world, for a school to cancel prom to keep away teh gay is ridonk. It’s so ridonk that I have to use a ridiculous word like ridonk to describe it.
This young woman, who, it must be noted, is handling the situation with courage and dignity, isn’t asking for special treatment. She’s asking for treatment. She wants to have a typical high school experience, namely, going to a dance with her significant other. She also asked that she be allowed to wear a tux. Which may have sent the powers that be into paroxysms of fear and paranoia. Apparently, a young woman in a tux is the first sign of the apocalypse.
So there you have it, 2010 (question, are you pissed that everyone is so much more freaked out by 2012? Cause you seem perfectly badass to me. Ahem.). Despite your best efforts, people continue to act like douchebags and willfully forget words like acceptance and tolerance. Do me a favor, and see what you can do about that. Oh, and for your efforts, please enjoy my favorite tweet about the debacle:
Dey really cancelled prom cuz a chik was gon’ bring her lesbian GF wit her?! Wtf! Its 2010! So wat if she’s gay, y is it botherin u?!
From an article called “20 Ways to Feel More Confident About Your Relationship” comes these two pearls one after the next:
Give him a little friendly competition. It doesn’t hurt for him to know that your tall, built, wildly successful artist friend from college periodically tells you you’re the one who got away and it’s the biggest regret of his life.
Skip the games and be up front. If something’s bothering you, tell him directly. Guys don’t know what to make of it, and it shakes them up and gives you the upper hand.
Skip the games, unless the game involves taunting him with the hunky guy you could have if your boyfriend ever, ever dares to make you angry. Or unless the game is to not play a game so that you’ll have the upper hand in the non-gamey game that you are definitely not playing.
Sometimes I just laugh at the sexist crap in the world, because it’s so stupid or lazy or obvious. Take, for instance, a recent comic from the strip Luann.
He’s mad. Because his car got fixed. By a chick. Bwah! That is some hi-larity right there.
I realize that the strip is part of a larger storyline, and I might not know the context of the joke, but the punchline is predicated on a dude being pissed at his car for letting a blonde lady fix it. How tired.
