Wordsole

I watched 300 Monday night, and despite issues I have with the movie’s racial and gender politics, Gerard Butler is a star in it. Charismatic, strong, and even funny. Which, in a movie filled with bloodletting of various severity, is no small thing.

Ever since the release of the film, the man who would be king of the box office hasn’t released anything that isn’t a complete dud. (Okay, I will admit to loving P.S. I Love You. Shut up.) I figured I’d go back to some of the movies that started him on his path to 300 and the films that have stripped him of all the credibility the movie gained him.

Her Majesty, Mrs. Brown

His first IMDB credit. It’s a small part, but he’s great in it and not because he shows his hindquarters. Ahem, not just because he shows his hindquarters. It’s hard to stand out in a movie with Billy Connolly and Judi Dench, but anyone who thinks he can’t act should start here.

Tomorrow Never Dies

I had no idea Butler played Leading Seaman-HMS Devonshire in TND. It’s my favorite pre-Craig Bond film, so…yay Butler.

Blah, Blah, Blah, Bunch of Stuff I’ve Never Heard Of

Dracula 2000

Wowza. I know Butler had to eat, but come on. It’s a vampire movie with Danny Masterson from That ’70s Show and the least scary bloodsuckers since Bunnicula. GB scores back a few cool points by going head to head with Christopher Plummer as Van Helsing. Who wins in a fight between King Leonides and Captain Von Trapp? Serious question.

Doo Da Dooo More Stuff

Reign of Fire

GB’s involvement is overshadowed in every way by the mondo-uber-weirdo-machismo character that Matthew McConaughey inflicts on the audience.

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life

This is a not great sequel to a ho hum film. Gerard Butler does horizontal pull-ups on the ceiling of his prison cell. Angelina Jolie acts bored and almost sleeps with him. That really is all there is to recommend it.

Timeline

Haaahahha. Hoo boy, this one is bad. But in a good way. Scientists jump back in time to try to save Billy Connolly (who stepped WAY down from Mrs Brown.) Gerard Butler gets to be all romantic times with a lady in olden times and the costumes and sets are fun. However, those of you thinking that the movie sounds like silly fun should remember two words. Paul. Walker.

Dear Frankie

You have not seen this movie. You should see this movie. Butler plays a The Stranger. Wait, wait, stay with me. A woman who has spent the better part of 10 years lying to her son about his father’s whereabouts hires Butler to play the part of Dad for a weekend. Maudlin sappiness ensues yes, but Emily Mortimer is lovely as the overprotective mother who does something desperate. And Butler and Jack McElhone as Frankie act like real people as they get to know each other rather than film cliches.

The Phantom of the Opera

Allow me a moment to speak directly to the man himself…Hey Gerald, sup? So, listen, I know it might seem like a good idea to star in a film as a disfigured man in love with a breathy, sweet-faced ingenue. Your agent might have even told you that it was Oscar material. Your publicist promised you magazine covers. Fire them. Fire everyone who told you this bloated, preening mess of movie musical would do anything but make you look like a putz. Cause you did, you know. Look like a putz. A putz in a mask.

Skipping ahead to….

300

GRRRRRRR. I’m making a Spartan face. ARRRGGGGHHHHH. And I’m done.

P.S. I Love You

Shut UP, it’s sweet. And Kathy Bates is wonderful and looks a lot like Hilary Swank. Harry Connick Jr.! Jeffrey Dean Morgan! Gina Gershon! James Marsters! Seriously, people. Spike from Buffy. GB’s role is small but pivotal. If the dude didn’t die, his widow would never have the impetus to go to Ireland and start designing shoes and make nice with her mom. Really, his death in this is almost as noble as his death in 300. Really.

RocknRolla

Haven’t seen it. Dig the title.

The Ugly Truth

I watched this…movie. I can’t think of how to describe it without saying awful things about the writers’, producers’ and actors’ progeny and ancestors. If the world was fair, everyone involved including Butler would have to spend a year volunteering at a local Planned Parenthood, or homeless shelter, or animal rescue to reset the karmic balance upset by this crap. Gerry, you make me sad.

Gamer

This movie is not about what I would like it to be about. An overly muscled man who thinks he’s a Spartan warrior, joins a D&D group, and convinces them to invade the local Jamba Juice.

The Bounty Hunter

Everything in my feminist soul wanted to go HULK SMASH whenever I saw the trailer for this piece of blech. King Leonides is looking pretty far away, dude.

I’m ending it there. At the apex of his career immolation.

In which an online chat with my brother reveals loathing for two beloved movies:

Steve: it is wicked outside
me: hot?
Steve: I need to find a girl to have a moment with
downpour
me: HAHAHA
genius
you need your say anything moment
that fucking movie.
Steve: people don’t understand why I hate chasing amy
me: yeah?
why do you?
Steve: crappy downpour scene
ben affleck being a creepy whiny fuck the entire movie
basically harassing a woman who claims she’s a lesbian
me: he really is.
Steve: until she falls in love with him
me: and then she gives in!
i HATE that trope.
stalk her into loving you.
Steve: she just pretended to not like guys
like all lesbians
but honey roll up a ben affleck on them and you’ll see how long the gay stay
me: she just needed the power of his magic-wang.
Steve: only good part of the movie was jason lee
me: hell yes
Steve: he somehow saved an incredibly unlikable homophobe
me: by being jason fucking lee.
Steve: and made him more likable than holden

From a chat my brother and I had about the movie version of The A-Team.

Steve: have you seen the trailer for the new A-Team movie?
me: i haven’t yet.
i’m afraid.
Steve: I’m usually not one of those people at the movie theater
but we saw the trailer at the midnight screening of Iron Man 2
and there’s one part where Face is operating a tank as it falls through the sky
and I yelled “FUCK THAT”
me: HAHAHA
Steve: they’re out of their minds
me: i’m blogging that.
Steve: I haven’t even watched that much a-team and it made me mad
me: the original show was campy deliciousness.
Steve: they’re playing up the whole crazy badass part
which is ridiculous
they’re killing the character to create another explosion fest

I own it. It’s a watch-it now on Netflix. I’ve seen is many, many times. And still, when I passed this in Target:

I was tempted beyond tempted to buy it.

Rumor has it that they are remaking Real Genius. And to that I say, are you kidding me?

I look up actors whose work I enjoy. I like knowing what to look forward to…and what to dread.

I’m a fan of Leonardo DiCaprio. The Aviator caught me; I thought his performance was stunning. So I went on imdb to check out what he’s up to next. Below is a list of the movies he has in development.

Dude. Leave some work for the rest of them.

Betty White’s hosting SNL in May and showing up on talk shows right and left. She is everywhere and that is awesome. But I’d like to throw out an idea. Sure, Betty kills it on Craig Ferguson. And yes, the idea of her in a digital short with Andy Samberg is a fantastic hulu clip waiting to happen. But I think Ms. White is suited for a different kind of role. One that taps her effortless cool and timeless sex appeal.

Betty

meet James

Betty White. Best. Bond Girl. Ever. Let’s get this done Hollywood.

I watched The Ugly Truth with the intent of writing a long and involved post about its sexist, misogynistic, misandrist nonsense. But instead, I’ll say this. It’s stupid. Everyone involved with it from the writer to the second extra on the right is phoning it in. And it shows.

To boil it down, the movie was not worth my time. Not watching it and not writing about it. The End.

No, seriously. It was bad. Like, how bad I imagine Ishtar would be if I ever watched it. Which I won’t. Because I’ve learned my lesson.

The reviews for Spring Crapdown were universally negative, but I’m weak. I saw this:

and I caved.

And can you blame me? Seriously, look at that list. Amy Poehler was in Wet Hot American Summer. Parker Posey slummed beautifully in Josie and the Pussycats. And Jane Friggin’ Lynch. Not only is she stealing every episode of Glee ever, but she’s part of a stable of actors who yuk it up or Christopher Guest. (Parker belongs to that same elite group.)

So what makes this movie so bad? The waste of a wonderful cast is certainly part of the problem. It doesn’t help that Rachel Dratch wrote a script that wouldn’t have been produced by the After School Special crowd. Three friends who’ve never had luck with men or social situations discover that they’re happiest when being themselves? And they manage to mentor a young woman who is JUST. LIKE. THEM? All during a hedonistic Spring Break trip that contains every stereotype of blonde girls, frat boys, binge drinking, and nerdy chicks available? I’m sold!

Really, the movie fails on three basic levels. The writing is lazy and dull. The acting is laughable. And Kristin Cavallari has a bigger role than Will Arnett. Yeah. I’ll let you process that.

I stayed awake the whole time, and that is no small thing. Christopher Walken appeared to be having a fantastic time. Even though it was a rip-off of Rounders (complete with unnecessary love interest, here played by the well-connected but boring Alison Eastwood), the lead is worth rooting for. Chazz Palminteri chews the scenery like he hasn’t eaten in months, and it is hilarious. The twist at the final moment works; it got me…okay, it’s not hard to get me, but still; it got me.