Wordsole

Alternate cover headlines included Reckless Snatches, Impetuous Muffs and the slightly longer ode to ’90s’ movies, Wild Cooters Can’t Be Broken.

My first (and second!) vlogs ever. Co-vlogs really. Thanks to my sweetheart for getting these up on youtube. And also, being a great co-vlogger. Below, our thoughts on the first two seasons of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Oh, Astronomy Picture of the Day, you’ve done it again.

It’s what I want heaven to look like.

Another day, another article about men and the ways that they don’t say what they mean even when they kind of mean what they say. I love the title, “What he really means…”, since the ellipses leave it up to the most ridiculous interpretation. What he really means…when he picks his teeth. What he really means…when he folds his jeans. What he really means… when he votes libertarian.

“Do you understand “guy-talk?” Can you comprehend all the subtle — and not-so-subtle — nuances of his secret language?

Not without my decoder ring.

If you’re a woman, chances are the answer is: sort of, kind of, er, not really.

Translation: gay dudes are lucky.

“Men don’t always say what they mean,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

Haltzman is also Captain of the Obvious Ship and occasionally pilots the No Shit, Sherlock Schooner.

“And sometimes we say what we mean but women understand it completely differently.”

It’s almost as if he’s saying that women and men don’t always understand each other…I’m shocked.

All in all, that means that cracking the code can be difficult — but not impossible.

It helps if you know the Navajo language. Wait, that was the Germans. My bad. I’ve got to stop watching Windtalkers before reading these things.

To give you a head start, we talked to relationship experts and real guys to shed some light on some of a guy’s most common lines — and what in the world he really means by them.

Real guys? As opposed to what? Robots?

What he says: “I really like your shoes.”
What he means: “I really like you.”

What he might mean: “I’m turned on by feet.”

Ty Marciniak claims that this is one of the first things he says when he’s into a girl. “It boosts her confidence, but it also shows her I’m fashionable and sweet,” he says. “She’ll notice that I didn’t come right out and compliment her legs or something.” Which is, of course, what he really was complimenting in the first place. Get it?

Wait, so, if he compliments my shoes, he likes my legs. What if he compliments my hair? Does he like my forehead? Or is that subtle guy code for he wants me for my brain? That can’t be right, cause guys are only after one thing, right? Crap, that’s from a different article. I have got to stop reading Cosmo before doing this.

What he says: “Maybe we should take some time off from each other — you know, take a break.”
What he means: “Maybe I’m better off keeping my options open.”

What he might mean: “I didn’t realize you had a hot friend until yesterday.”

What he says: “I am listening!”
What he means: “I’m listening, but I really don’t want to get into a long, emotional discussion right now.”

What he might mean: “I have no idea what you just said, but if I shout, maybe you’ll leave me alone!”

“Men process verbal information better when it’s direct and to the point,” says Haltzman. Scott Borchert agrees. “When I say this, it usually means I just wish she’d get to the point sooner,” he says. One way around this is to ask him for his advice — guys love to fix problems — or to make sure he’s primed for a marathon talk session.

Consider training him for a 5k talk session first. And then never use the term talk session again. Or assume that all guys are the same. Or buy into sexist stereotypes. Problem solved!

When you look up, sometimes you see the trail of a plane. I used to think those were made by spaceships. I had no concept of space travel. Or distance. But I was amazed by them. I kind of wish I still believed that.

I’m not a fan of lists that are full of absolutes and dicta about what qualifies a dude as a real man. A man is a man is a man based on biology or choice; there is no exam to pass, nor any Herculean tasks that should be required.

I credit the author of this article for including things on the list that are thoughtful. Number 3: “He’s not afraid for you to see him cry.” is emotionally healthy and number 5: “He never calls anyone a ‘fag’.” is the first rule in the book, How Not to Be a Douchewang.

Unfortunately the list doesn’t stop there. Time to trot out some not at all old and tired stereotypes.

6. He does the premenstrual tampons-and-Ben-&-Jerry’s run.

This one made me laugh as a grammarian. Are the tampons, the Ben & Jerry’s or the run premenstrual?

9. He can lift you up with one hand.

Only if he’s green and has anger issues.

12. He knows his way around the kitchen and doesn’t mind cooking 90 percent of the meals.

Look, I couldn’t “find my way” around the kitchen with a GPS and Giada De Laurentiis, and I wouldn’t want to cook 90% of the meals. I don’t expect that of a man either. 50/50 suits me just fine. 50% of the time he cooks. 50% of the time we order out. I kid! It’s more like 60/40.

13. He has the ability to spot a cool car when all you can see is the city bus and a minivan.

I…wait, what? This one doesn’t even make sense. A real man can spot a cool car. Does a fake man only see PT Cruisers? And why does his girlfriend see the bus and the minivan? She’s environmentally conscious…and her biological clock is ticking?

15. He doesn’t have more than four pairs of shoes.

Running shoes, hiking boots, brown dress shoes, black dress shoes, crappy casual shoes to wear on weekends. Boom. Already up to five. And what if he’s a tap dancer? Is this lady saying Gregory Hines wasn’t a real man? I think not.

16. He doesn’t ever order a drink with fruit juice in it.

Which is why so many “real men” used to have scurvy.

17. His drink of choice is bourbon. Always bourbon.

Unless he doesn’t like bourbon. Or he doesn’t drink. Or he’s a recovering alcoholic.

20. When the going gets tough—like, really tough—he remains cool, calm, and collected, but not devoid of genuine emotion.

Ya hear that, real men? Have emotion, but not too much. Be cool and collected, but not a robot. Here’s one better for you. Read stuff online, but not lists like this.

I’m a fan of cake. It tastes good (sometimes) and it’s often super cool looking (hi, Ace of Cakes). Wedding cakes are no exception.

This one:

is awesome. There’s blood! On a wedding cake! That takes guts. Bwah!

This one, however:

is just sad. Why not put a Barbie on top of the cake holding two tennis balls? It’d be more subtle.

I saw two links. Not sure which one is worse.

I’m assuming that one of those things is EAT HIS FACE.

Remember those Styrofoam balls that you stuck together with toothpicks and covered in glitter to ace your junior high art class? She is about to eat one of those balls.

Hey, cute. You have outcuted cute by a factor of cute.